This past weekend I was torn down: I was disrespected, I was called disgusting, I was called an alcoholic, and I was called a terrible influence to my younger sister, among other things.
This past weekend I finally figured something out: my mother is a toxic person. She attacks me out of no where or if I call her out on her disrespectful behaviour towards me. I am now realizing that I must treat her like a sick person because she is mentally unhealthy. Despite my anger and urge to tear her apart, I bit my tongue. I walked outside and calmed myself down. While outside I made this realization: I have to get away from toxic people.
I made the decision that I am not going to be toxic. I am not going to let toxic people tear me down. I’ll walk with my head high because I know who I am; I’m intelligent, layered and compassionate.
One last spanking. One last fuck. Repeat. Now I am free to roam around this shitty city looking for healing. I’ll only find trouble. But let me see if this is a good plan. Let me see if I can find healing.
I have strep throat and I started antibiotics Wednesday. I was warned not to drink for ten days. Thursday I realized how much I need wine to get through the week. I caved and had two glasses. Am I a future alcoholic? And this bottle of whiskey looks so good sitting on my shelf.
I fell off the boat, but I’m back. A lot has happened, but everything is the same. I went on vacation and I fell in love with David Yurman. I ate cheesecake for my birthday last week and my mother’s birthday tonight. It was delicious. For some reason, I’ve bought a lot of expensive clothes, but I have no place to wear them. I’m always trying to be a different person. I’ve accumulated a lot of costumes. I’ve been awarded a gold medal of achievement by the University. I have to attend some weird receptions this week. Maybe I can wear something nice. But, not as nice as those David Yurman earrings that stole my heart. Nothing will compare. I have been extremely busy but I’m looking at myself and I ask, “what have I accomplished!?” Fuck all.